Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Yepper. Like that quote. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Living is learning how to throw yourself into the world and not becoming of this world. We, as Christians, must learn to dive headfirst into this world and not become of it. John 15:18-19 states "If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you." John also states that no matter what happens to you, you can have peace through Him in this world. John16:33 states "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." Jesus overcame the trials, tribulations and boundaries of this world. All we have to do is ask - "Press button for Service."
I went and pressed the button for service yesterday. I went to see my Pastor at Fellowship of the Hills. Scott's a great guy with a great deal of insight. He listens and doesn't judge. I laid out everything on the table. My past relationship that failed miserably. How I got dumped on New Years Eve at my family's house. How they came back after they got dumped for who they dumped me for. How that didn't work either. How that seemed to be the last straw for me. I started to try to find a church and couldn't find one. I came across FOTH. I felt so at home. I felt so accepted. I was greeted with love.
I have serious issues with trust, as I have stated earlier. I didn't realize it, but I have serious issues with rejection. Scott told me I have rejection stamped all over my soul. Once he said that, I knew he was right. I have faced rejection after rejection over the course of my entire life. I guess it all started at birth. Rejected by my birth parents and given away. Then when I found my birth parents, I was rejected again. I suppose that it's come full circle. Scott told me that he belives that God is trying to teach me to not rely on the acceptance of man but to rely on the acceptance of God. He says that people of this world will reject you and persecute you but that's ok. That's what they do. Jesus was persecuted. Jesus said in Matthew 5:15 "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
I also finally figured out why my relationship failed. I had put this person first in my life. I had put them on a pedistal. They had come before everything......including God. That's why it didn't work. My relationship with Kelli was and is the work of Satan in my life. Satan continues to taunt me with it. Scott says that I need to cut Kelli completely out of my life. That should be relatively easy because she refuses to have anything to do with me. She won't talk or listen. I guess that's Satan at work in her life.
Anyway, after getting all that off my chest with Scott. I felt better. Seriously. I had my small group last night and I felt it was the best one that we had in a long time. God was truly at work there last night. We talked about Christ and Christmas and Heaven and forgiveness and salvation and love and peace. It was truly moving.
Scott is restoring my faith in God but more importantly, he's restoring my faith in me.
I couldn't ask for a better Pastor or a better friend.
Friday, December 14, 2007
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
I have eaten enough nutritionally devoid food today to last for the rest of the year and it's only 1:00. Actually, I ate all this by about 11:00 but only now am I able to do anything. I feel really bad. Today, was my department's annual holiday pig out and there are five of us. We have enough food to feed the enitre Spartan Army. It covers an entire conference table. It's all right in front of me. Gluttony is a bad thing. Is there such thing as food overdose? If so, I have it. I can't emphasize enough how bad I feel. BLEGH!
I know I ate because: 1) it was there 2) it was good and 3) I'm depressed. How much do I suck? Evidently a bunch. Enough to find my solice in food. Although it was temporary, it was fun at the time. How many times have all of us said that? It was fun at the time.
I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't seem like Christmas. It's 80 degrees outside. People are wearing shorts. Everything is green. It should be about 20 degrees with snow on the ground and you shouldn't want to go outside without bundling up to look like a starfish. I get all bent when I see inflatable snow men in people's yards. Even more so with icicle lights, penguins and snowmen made out of lights. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE! No self respecting penguin would be caught dead in this weather. Santa Claus would have to strip down to his skivvies to avoid heat stroke.
Don't get me started on these people that want to tell kids there's no Santa. I want to choke the crap out of these parents that say that they don't want to lie to their kids. Well, guess what you're lying anyway. You're just to cheap to buy the extra gifts. My Mom always said that as long as I believe in Santa, Santa will keep giving me gifts. OK, I believed in Santa until I was 32. That was when Mom died. I knew there wasn't a Santa long before that but I could scrounge an extra gift or two every year by telling Mom I had been a good girl that year and I'd like Santa to get me a new pair of boots. Sho'nuf - Santa provided a new pair. Santa's a great guy. Bah Humbug to all you parents that wish to squish a little child's excitement on Christmas morning. You're also the ones that tell them there's no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. Don't tell me it's because you want to focus on the "real" meaning of Christmas. That's crap too. The "real" meaning of Christmas is peace and generosity and unto us is born this day a saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Jesus got gifts. Granted they were pretty lame for a newborn. I'm sure Mary would have much prefered a rattle, some onsies, and a case of Pampers. But he got gifts none the less. God gave us the gift of salvation on this day. If we need to go back to St. Nick which is the "Father Christmas" kind of model - lets.
The original Saint Nicholas was a Christian bishop in 4th-century Myra, geographically located in modern-day Turkey. As an adult, Nicholas gained a reputation as a generous man and the protector of innocents. These saintly traits largely arose from two horrific legends, both of which eventually led to his canonization. The first is said to have occurred during a terrible famine. A local butcher, in need of something to sell, lured three unsuspecting boys into his shop. He killed the boys, chopped them into pieces, then stuffed their remains in a brine tub, hoping to cure them enough that he could sell the parts as ham. Nicholas was visiting the afflicted region at the time of the crime. Somehow Nicholas became aware of the butcher’s wicked deed. He visited the shop, uncovered the crime, and hastily reassembled the three boys. They came back to life, a bit salty but otherwise in good health. Despite the happy ending, it’s not exactly the kind of story that gets told at the Christmas Eve candlelight service. In the second legend, a poor citizen of Myra had three daughters, but not enough money to afford a dowry for them. No dowry meant no marriage, and unmarried women in those days generally had one career choice: prostitution. The father was less than thrilled by this possibility, but too proud to ask for help. Nicholas discovered the family’s predicament the night before the first daughter came of age. Not wanting to embarrass anyone, he approached the family’s house late one night and tossed a bag of gold through an opened window. He did the same thing the night before the second daughter came of age. Both gifts were enough to cover the dowry, and both girls were spared the consequence of their poverty. Before long, the third daughter was ready to marry, and the appreciative father wanted to find out who was behind the lavish gifts. When the time came, the father hid next to the window, hoping to catch their anonymous benefactor in the act. Nicholas learned of the father’s plan and improvised: Instead of lobbing it through the window, he dropped the third bag of gold down the chimney. Before long, the bishop — who had worn liturgical robes of red and white — was canonized as a saint. Saint Nicholas became venerated as the protector of innocents, the patron saint of children, and a secret giver of gifts. See the similarities?? Give the kids a break, let them be kids. Let them have Santa. They've got their whole lives to figure out that the world is harsh and unfair. Don't start it by denying them the joy of waking up on Chrismas to get free stuff.
I'll step down off my soap box now.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Are squirrels fighting with lightsabers the truth? Absolutely not. However, they are funny. Funny is what I needed today.
Let's just say, I've come to have a certain amount of disdain for the holiday season. For a multitude of reasons that I don't care to go into at this point. However, people need to realize that that silver Christmas tree or that XBOX 360 or that IPod won't bring long lasting happiness this holiday season. Will it bring happiness? Sure - to some. To others they are happy until they get the bill. What really brings happiness has to come from within each of us. I struggle with this daily. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being far away from my family. I struggle with the rejection of certain people that have been close to me. I struggle with dispair. I look for answers in the one book that can give them to me. This is what I find.
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
Yet God is intimiately aware of our suffering. God is aware of every tear we shed. David, "...the Lord heard the voice of my weeping," and the Bible assures us that our tears are precious to God. It says, "...put my tears into Your bottle: are they not in Your book?" (Psalm 56:8).
I'm going to get through this fabulous happy season. Tears and all. If I have to delude myself into believing that 2008 will be my year to get through this, so be it.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
My small group is becoming smaller rather than larger. I feel like I'm not doing a good job being a small group leader. I don't know what to do better or different. Instead of a point of brightness in my week, it is one of dissappointment in myself.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Well Ok then. Let's start this out by stating I'm really pissed off this morning. I'm more angry than I know what to do with right now. Anger is an emotion that should prompt an action. I just don't know what action I should take. I don't know that I'm angry at anybody in particular just at circumstances and life. I don't know if I'm angry at God or not. I think I am. I don't think he's being fair. However, that goes back to the debate of whether or not you think God is an intervening God. I tend to think not so much. God's OK with me being mad at him. I can be respectful, but mad. He can handle it. I think that he likes to bring out the passion in people. Well, he's definitely brining out my passion.
My Uncle is dying of inoperable cancer. They opened him up and closed him right back up yesterday. I'm angry about this. I don't think it's fair. Cancer isn't fair. He's a good guy. I'm pissed that he's sick. I'm pissed that I live 678 miles away. I'm pissed that the doctors didn't catch it sooner.
I'm angry that I missed all the important milestones in my sister's life. I'm pissed I didn't get to see her grow up. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her graduate from high school or college. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her get married. I'm pissed that I wasn't there when my neice was born. I am holding a bunch of anger over this but I can't do anything about it. I can't be mad a my birth mother. She did what was best for me. I'm just mad at the situation. I feel ripped off. I can't help but feel ripped off.
My sister told me she needs time to process this before she talks to me again. I understand that. This whole thing has been life changing for the both of us. She, however, has a harder time of it because she's stuck in the middle. She must negotiate a line between her family and me. That's hard. She's now the middle child. She's always had middle child traits and one of those is peacemaker. She wants this to be peaceful for everyone involved. I don't know that it can be right now. Not because of me but because of them. I just want to know them. They just wish I never existed. Sometimes, I wish that as well.
My love life blows chunks as well. Enough said.
At some point, I must have done something that really pissed the universe off. I can't have too many cool things happen all at once. Life can only be so good. The good things can only be so good. The good things can never be amazing. What if this is as good as it gets? What if I've had the best I've ever had? What if it's all down hill from here? If that's the case then Jane, Stop this crazy thing. I want to get off.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My family loves me very much. It really blows that I'm so far away from all of them (both adoptive and birth). My uncle that really picked it up after my parents died has just been diagnosed with colon cancer. He's having surgery today. Nobody told me about the cancer until yesterday. Nobody told me about the surgery today. I found out about it from my cousin on a general myspace post. I feel like I should go up there but I just got back to Florida from Seattle. I'm really torn. I don't know how I'm going to deal with stuff is something happens to Uncle Doug. My parents are gone. I have no family close. People here are pissed at me for various reasons. I feel like retreating into my bedroom and barrackading it. I feel like not coming out for days. Too many emotions in too short a period of time.
Nobody wanted to tell me Uncle Doug was sick while I was in Seattle. They felt that meeting my sister was too important. Aunt Wilma (Mom's sister) said that my mother would have been proud of me. She knew how scary it would be to go out there alone and meet strangers that I'm connected to by DNA but nothing else. She said I was courageous. I have never thought of myself as such. I always thought I was quite the opposite.
Anyway, I thought the quote for the title was quite appropriate. However, Pooh just is. I just need to be.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
She's the hottie on the right. I'm the chubby chick on the left. Come on, fat girls try harder.
I truly am glad I went. I'm truly glad I made the reservations when I did because I would have punked out like a little wuss. Fortunately, I bought the ticket when I was still feeling fearless and invincible. As the "I took on death and won" feeling began to fade, I started to get really apprehensive and scared. I spoke to my pastor and he referenced 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind." Listening to my pastor is what really got me through this. God didn't give me a spirit of fear. He gave me a spirit of courage and love. So I embarked upon this journey to the opposite corner of the continental US to a city I've never been in, where I know nobody, to meet a sister I didn't know I had, and stay in a house with people I've never met. Courage, love, yeah all that.
Shana is one of the most incredible people I've ever met. Her husband, Darren, is the best man on the planet. Truly, I know no man better than he is. They have the cutest little 3 year old girl - my neice. Auntie Jeannie she calls me. How cool is that? I mean, seriously.
I had always known I was adopted. I had always known my parents names. I had always known they were from Washington state. I didn't know they had more kids after me. I mean, it stood to reason they would. Perhaps they stayed together and had more kids. I had no clue. Clearly, they did and thus why I have not just one but two sisters. Shana has been super cool about the whole thing. She's really an awsome person. I got lucky. Sara has had a difficult time of it. That's ok. I've had a lifetime to deal with this. She's had two months. I wish she didn't have to deal with this because I would never want to hurt anyone...especially my sister. However, it's there. I'm there. I exist. I'm not going away. I'm not going to bug her or force some sort of communications between us. However, ignoring the fact that I live and breathe won't make me cease to do so. Hopefully, Sara will get into a space where she will feel more comfortable with this whole situation. Even if she never speaks to me, I hope she eventually comes to be at peace with it.
So now, the Mother and Father issue. My Father will acknowledge my existance. He will speak with me. He doesn't call but when I called he did talk to me and was decent. My Mother will not speak to me. She won't talk to Shana about me. Shana calls it the elephant in the room. Shana is not pleased with her mother's reaction. I understand both Shana and my Mother's anger.
Seattle is a very cool city. My sister had a "Come to meet my sister" party. Her friends were all incredible. However, I would expect no less because Shana is so cool. Everybody was there to meet me. A bit forboding but let's not forget the 2 Timothy 1:7 that I referenced earlier. I glass of wine also helps. Many cool people, many good conversations, lots of good food and a life long memory of how great it all was.
I'm experiencing emotional overload. Too many emotions that I don't know what to do with. Too many emotions that I've never experienced before. Too much of too much.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I'm supposed to go and see me sister that I've never seen or met before. Yepper. That's not going to be stressful in the least. A week with someone that I've never met but I'm related to and they didn't know I existed until 8 weeks ago. No stress here.
I have no strength to be sarcastic or funny today. I feel bad so I'm just giving it all over to God.
Here ya go - It's yours.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
God wanted me to start back to church. Granted, for many years I had serious issues with organized religion. That's because of all the hate and damnation that is preached in so many churches. Don't tell me I'm going to hell for whatever. That's not your call. That's God's call. Don't use scripture to attempt to support hate and biggotry. I try to live a good life and do what God tells me to do, as crazy as that might be. Anywho, I tried several different churches and none of them felt comfortable. I really didn't fit. I got this flyer in the mail for a new church that was starting and I began a email thread with the pastor on what this church was actually about and what I needed from a church and what my beliefs were.
Well, I decided to give it a try. I went to the Fellowship of the Hills for the first time about two months ago. There were probably about 20 people there. It was their second or third service. It was really cool. The people were very grounded and they spoke of love and peace. No going to hell. No you're a bad person. Nothing like that. Just that we need to love each other and love God.
How come in all the other churches I tried, I couldn't find this same message? Don't know. Only God knows.
God then told me I needed to lead one of the small groups at the church. I'm like,"What? Are you crazy?" I'm pretty shy and this was going to really require me coming out of my shell. I'm doing it and it's been incredibly rewarding. The people are so cool and it seems like they give me so much more than I give them. This is probably not true but I feel like I get so much from these people.
Another crazy thing. He told me to forgive all the debts that people owe me. God and I had a serious discussion over that one. I told God that's a bunch. He told me to trust him. So I forgave a bunch. I'm so apprehensive about this.
Further craziness. He told me to let someone move into my house. I really don't know them but God told me they were really in a bad place. So I am letting this person that I really don't know move into my house because God told me to. He told me as long as I keep using my home for his work, I'll get to keep it.
OK God. You know I've got trust issues. I'm trusting you. I'm scared but I'm trusting you.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
In August, I was admitted to the hospital with multiple Pulmonary Embolism and Pulmonary Infarction. The doctors weren't sure I would live. They had never seen a case as bad as mine and the person was still living. That's reassuring. Another "opportunity for growth" I guess I was given.
In Matthew 21:22, Jesus says "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." I believe. However, I'm growing impatient. Trust me, I don't pray for patience. That is a prayer best not prayed. I'll be old and gray before things change. God has a sense of humor that he really enjoys using. I'm asking, I don't appear to be receiving. I keep getting "Do you want this now or do you want this forever?" popping into my head. I want this forever but what happens until it happens forever? To quote Dr. Evil, "Throw me a freakin' bone here!"
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I've gone back into management. I feel better about it this time though. I feel more prepared. I have learned more about people than I knew at 22. I find that everybody is looking for something. The something just happens to be a little bit different for each person. No matter what, we are all searching. Searching for peace, love, truth and happiness.