Thursday, November 29, 2007

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain

Well Ok then. Let's start this out by stating I'm really pissed off this morning. I'm more angry than I know what to do with right now. Anger is an emotion that should prompt an action. I just don't know what action I should take. I don't know that I'm angry at anybody in particular just at circumstances and life. I don't know if I'm angry at God or not. I think I am. I don't think he's being fair. However, that goes back to the debate of whether or not you think God is an intervening God. I tend to think not so much. God's OK with me being mad at him. I can be respectful, but mad. He can handle it. I think that he likes to bring out the passion in people. Well, he's definitely brining out my passion.

My Uncle is dying of inoperable cancer. They opened him up and closed him right back up yesterday. I'm angry about this. I don't think it's fair. Cancer isn't fair. He's a good guy. I'm pissed that he's sick. I'm pissed that I live 678 miles away. I'm pissed that the doctors didn't catch it sooner.

I'm angry that I missed all the important milestones in my sister's life. I'm pissed I didn't get to see her grow up. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her graduate from high school or college. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her get married. I'm pissed that I wasn't there when my neice was born. I am holding a bunch of anger over this but I can't do anything about it. I can't be mad a my birth mother. She did what was best for me. I'm just mad at the situation. I feel ripped off. I can't help but feel ripped off.

My sister told me she needs time to process this before she talks to me again. I understand that. This whole thing has been life changing for the both of us. She, however, has a harder time of it because she's stuck in the middle. She must negotiate a line between her family and me. That's hard. She's now the middle child. She's always had middle child traits and one of those is peacemaker. She wants this to be peaceful for everyone involved. I don't know that it can be right now. Not because of me but because of them. I just want to know them. They just wish I never existed. Sometimes, I wish that as well.

My love life blows chunks as well. Enough said.

At some point, I must have done something that really pissed the universe off. I can't have too many cool things happen all at once. Life can only be so good. The good things can only be so good. The good things can never be amazing. What if this is as good as it gets? What if I've had the best I've ever had? What if it's all down hill from here? If that's the case then Jane, Stop this crazy thing. I want to get off.

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