Thursday, November 29, 2007

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain

Well Ok then. Let's start this out by stating I'm really pissed off this morning. I'm more angry than I know what to do with right now. Anger is an emotion that should prompt an action. I just don't know what action I should take. I don't know that I'm angry at anybody in particular just at circumstances and life. I don't know if I'm angry at God or not. I think I am. I don't think he's being fair. However, that goes back to the debate of whether or not you think God is an intervening God. I tend to think not so much. God's OK with me being mad at him. I can be respectful, but mad. He can handle it. I think that he likes to bring out the passion in people. Well, he's definitely brining out my passion.

My Uncle is dying of inoperable cancer. They opened him up and closed him right back up yesterday. I'm angry about this. I don't think it's fair. Cancer isn't fair. He's a good guy. I'm pissed that he's sick. I'm pissed that I live 678 miles away. I'm pissed that the doctors didn't catch it sooner.

I'm angry that I missed all the important milestones in my sister's life. I'm pissed I didn't get to see her grow up. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her graduate from high school or college. I'm pissed that I didn't get to see her get married. I'm pissed that I wasn't there when my neice was born. I am holding a bunch of anger over this but I can't do anything about it. I can't be mad a my birth mother. She did what was best for me. I'm just mad at the situation. I feel ripped off. I can't help but feel ripped off.

My sister told me she needs time to process this before she talks to me again. I understand that. This whole thing has been life changing for the both of us. She, however, has a harder time of it because she's stuck in the middle. She must negotiate a line between her family and me. That's hard. She's now the middle child. She's always had middle child traits and one of those is peacemaker. She wants this to be peaceful for everyone involved. I don't know that it can be right now. Not because of me but because of them. I just want to know them. They just wish I never existed. Sometimes, I wish that as well.

My love life blows chunks as well. Enough said.

At some point, I must have done something that really pissed the universe off. I can't have too many cool things happen all at once. Life can only be so good. The good things can only be so good. The good things can never be amazing. What if this is as good as it gets? What if I've had the best I've ever had? What if it's all down hill from here? If that's the case then Jane, Stop this crazy thing. I want to get off.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"I have been Foolish and Deluded, and I am a Bear of No Brain at All."

Where is it written that you can only get your life in so much order? I feel like I'm being ridiculous by thinking that I can get my life in order and live in happiness. If you look in the Bible, there is much more mention of the joy of the wicked than the joy of the rightous. I don't want to feel like "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. " -Lamentations 3:17. However, it seems that when it rains it pours. I'm cruising along and everything is great. Then all of a sudden, everything is not great.

My family loves me very much. It really blows that I'm so far away from all of them (both adoptive and birth). My uncle that really picked it up after my parents died has just been diagnosed with colon cancer. He's having surgery today. Nobody told me about the cancer until yesterday. Nobody told me about the surgery today. I found out about it from my cousin on a general myspace post. I feel like I should go up there but I just got back to Florida from Seattle. I'm really torn. I don't know how I'm going to deal with stuff is something happens to Uncle Doug. My parents are gone. I have no family close. People here are pissed at me for various reasons. I feel like retreating into my bedroom and barrackading it. I feel like not coming out for days. Too many emotions in too short a period of time.

Nobody wanted to tell me Uncle Doug was sick while I was in Seattle. They felt that meeting my sister was too important. Aunt Wilma (Mom's sister) said that my mother would have been proud of me. She knew how scary it would be to go out there alone and meet strangers that I'm connected to by DNA but nothing else. She said I was courageous. I have never thought of myself as such. I always thought I was quite the opposite.

Anyway, I thought the quote for the title was quite appropriate. However, Pooh just is. I just need to be.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

You can pick your nose but not your family

OK. Here we go. Last week I went on vacation. Last week, I went to Seattle. Last week, I changed my life forever. Last week, I met my sister for the first time ever. She's 35.

She's the hottie on the right. I'm the chubby chick on the left. Come on, fat girls try harder.

I truly am glad I went. I'm truly glad I made the reservations when I did because I would have punked out like a little wuss. Fortunately, I bought the ticket when I was still feeling fearless and invincible. As the "I took on death and won" feeling began to fade, I started to get really apprehensive and scared. I spoke to my pastor and he referenced 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind." Listening to my pastor is what really got me through this. God didn't give me a spirit of fear. He gave me a spirit of courage and love. So I embarked upon this journey to the opposite corner of the continental US to a city I've never been in, where I know nobody, to meet a sister I didn't know I had, and stay in a house with people I've never met. Courage, love, yeah all that.

Shana is one of the most incredible people I've ever met. Her husband, Darren, is the best man on the planet. Truly, I know no man better than he is. They have the cutest little 3 year old girl - my neice. Auntie Jeannie she calls me. How cool is that? I mean, seriously.

I had always known I was adopted. I had always known my parents names. I had always known they were from Washington state. I didn't know they had more kids after me. I mean, it stood to reason they would. Perhaps they stayed together and had more kids. I had no clue. Clearly, they did and thus why I have not just one but two sisters. Shana has been super cool about the whole thing. She's really an awsome person. I got lucky. Sara has had a difficult time of it. That's ok. I've had a lifetime to deal with this. She's had two months. I wish she didn't have to deal with this because I would never want to hurt anyone...especially my sister. However, it's there. I'm there. I exist. I'm not going away. I'm not going to bug her or force some sort of communications between us. However, ignoring the fact that I live and breathe won't make me cease to do so. Hopefully, Sara will get into a space where she will feel more comfortable with this whole situation. Even if she never speaks to me, I hope she eventually comes to be at peace with it.

So now, the Mother and Father issue. My Father will acknowledge my existance. He will speak with me. He doesn't call but when I called he did talk to me and was decent. My Mother will not speak to me. She won't talk to Shana about me. Shana calls it the elephant in the room. Shana is not pleased with her mother's reaction. I understand both Shana and my Mother's anger.

Seattle is a very cool city. My sister had a "Come to meet my sister" party. Her friends were all incredible. However, I would expect no less because Shana is so cool. Everybody was there to meet me. A bit forboding but let's not forget the 2 Timothy 1:7 that I referenced earlier. I glass of wine also helps. Many cool people, many good conversations, lots of good food and a life long memory of how great it all was.

I'm experiencing emotional overload. Too many emotions that I don't know what to do with. Too many emotions that I've never experienced before. Too much of too much.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Feeling Like Poo Would Be An Improvement.

I've been out sick from work for the last two days. It was all I could do to venture out of my bed to let the dogs out to go to the bathroom. I however, was running to the bathroom non-stop. This comes at a fairly bad time due to 1) I don't have much sick time at work and 2) I'm going to Seattle next week.

I'm supposed to go and see me sister that I've never seen or met before. Yepper. That's not going to be stressful in the least. A week with someone that I've never met but I'm related to and they didn't know I existed until 8 weeks ago. No stress here.

I have no strength to be sarcastic or funny today. I feel bad so I'm just giving it all over to God.

Here ya go - It's yours.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


I'm leading a small group for my church and sometimes I wonder how effective I really am. I'll ask a question and then there's dead silence. I feel like going Bueller......Bueller....? (Reference Ferris Bueller's Day Off) I realize I need to be patient but I begin to feel ineffective and the need to fill the uncomfortable silence. Sometimes someone will come in and save me. I'll feel better temporarily but then the same thing happens again later. I want so badly to be a good leader and to show those in my group the great things God can do for you. You have to have faith. Some people have more than others but, as long as you have some, I think you're ok. I suppose I have to have faith that God will use me as he will to reach people.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Why does God tell you to do crazy stuff?

God told Isaiah to run around naked for three years. That's some crazy stuff. Personally, I don't know if I could have done that. Not because of my modesty. That's SO not it. It's the fact that I really look better in clothes. I don't have the body to run around naked. Everyone should thank God that I wear clothes and he hasn't told me to run around naked. However, I digress.

God wanted me to start back to church. Granted, for many years I had serious issues with organized religion. That's because of all the hate and damnation that is preached in so many churches. Don't tell me I'm going to hell for whatever. That's not your call. That's God's call. Don't use scripture to attempt to support hate and biggotry. I try to live a good life and do what God tells me to do, as crazy as that might be. Anywho, I tried several different churches and none of them felt comfortable. I really didn't fit. I got this flyer in the mail for a new church that was starting and I began a email thread with the pastor on what this church was actually about and what I needed from a church and what my beliefs were.

Well, I decided to give it a try. I went to the Fellowship of the Hills for the first time about two months ago. There were probably about 20 people there. It was their second or third service. It was really cool. The people were very grounded and they spoke of love and peace. No going to hell. No you're a bad person. Nothing like that. Just that we need to love each other and love God.

How come in all the other churches I tried, I couldn't find this same message? Don't know. Only God knows.

God then told me I needed to lead one of the small groups at the church. I'm like,"What? Are you crazy?" I'm pretty shy and this was going to really require me coming out of my shell. I'm doing it and it's been incredibly rewarding. The people are so cool and it seems like they give me so much more than I give them. This is probably not true but I feel like I get so much from these people.

Another crazy thing. He told me to forgive all the debts that people owe me. God and I had a serious discussion over that one. I told God that's a bunch. He told me to trust him. So I forgave a bunch. I'm so apprehensive about this.

Further craziness. He told me to let someone move into my house. I really don't know them but God told me they were really in a bad place. So I am letting this person that I really don't know move into my house because God told me to. He told me as long as I keep using my home for his work, I'll get to keep it.

OK God. You know I've got trust issues. I'm trusting you. I'm scared but I'm trusting you.