Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss

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Yepper. Like that quote. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Living is learning how to throw yourself into the world and not becoming of this world. We, as Christians, must learn to dive headfirst into this world and not become of it. John 15:18-19 states "If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you." John also states that no matter what happens to you, you can have peace through Him in this world. John16:33 states "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." Jesus overcame the trials, tribulations and boundaries of this world. All we have to do is ask - "Press button for Service."

I went and pressed the button for service yesterday. I went to see my Pastor at Fellowship of the Hills. Scott's a great guy with a great deal of insight. He listens and doesn't judge. I laid out everything on the table. My past relationship that failed miserably. How I got dumped on New Years Eve at my family's house. How they came back after they got dumped for who they dumped me for. How that didn't work either. How that seemed to be the last straw for me. I started to try to find a church and couldn't find one. I came across FOTH. I felt so at home. I felt so accepted. I was greeted with love.

I have serious issues with trust, as I have stated earlier. I didn't realize it, but I have serious issues with rejection. Scott told me I have rejection stamped all over my soul. Once he said that, I knew he was right. I have faced rejection after rejection over the course of my entire life. I guess it all started at birth. Rejected by my birth parents and given away. Then when I found my birth parents, I was rejected again. I suppose that it's come full circle. Scott told me that he belives that God is trying to teach me to not rely on the acceptance of man but to rely on the acceptance of God. He says that people of this world will reject you and persecute you but that's ok. That's what they do. Jesus was persecuted. Jesus said in Matthew 5:15 "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

I also finally figured out why my relationship failed. I had put this person first in my life. I had put them on a pedistal. They had come before everything......including God. That's why it didn't work. My relationship with Kelli was and is the work of Satan in my life. Satan continues to taunt me with it. Scott says that I need to cut Kelli completely out of my life. That should be relatively easy because she refuses to have anything to do with me. She won't talk or listen. I guess that's Satan at work in her life.

Anyway, after getting all that off my chest with Scott. I felt better. Seriously. I had my small group last night and I felt it was the best one that we had in a long time. God was truly at work there last night. We talked about Christ and Christmas and Heaven and forgiveness and salvation and love and peace. It was truly moving.

Scott is restoring my faith in God but more importantly, he's restoring my faith in me.

I couldn't ask for a better Pastor or a better friend.

Friday, December 14, 2007

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

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I have eaten enough nutritionally devoid food today to last for the rest of the year and it's only 1:00. Actually, I ate all this by about 11:00 but only now am I able to do anything. I feel really bad. Today, was my department's annual holiday pig out and there are five of us. We have enough food to feed the enitre Spartan Army. It covers an entire conference table. It's all right in front of me. Gluttony is a bad thing. Is there such thing as food overdose? If so, I have it. I can't emphasize enough how bad I feel. BLEGH!

I know I ate because: 1) it was there 2) it was good and 3) I'm depressed. How much do I suck? Evidently a bunch. Enough to find my solice in food. Although it was temporary, it was fun at the time. How many times have all of us said that? It was fun at the time.

I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't seem like Christmas. It's 80 degrees outside. People are wearing shorts. Everything is green. It should be about 20 degrees with snow on the ground and you shouldn't want to go outside without bundling up to look like a starfish. I get all bent when I see inflatable snow men in people's yards. Even more so with icicle lights, penguins and snowmen made out of lights. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE! No self respecting penguin would be caught dead in this weather. Santa Claus would have to strip down to his skivvies to avoid heat stroke.

Don't get me started on these people that want to tell kids there's no Santa. I want to choke the crap out of these parents that say that they don't want to lie to their kids. Well, guess what you're lying anyway. You're just to cheap to buy the extra gifts. My Mom always said that as long as I believe in Santa, Santa will keep giving me gifts. OK, I believed in Santa until I was 32. That was when Mom died. I knew there wasn't a Santa long before that but I could scrounge an extra gift or two every year by telling Mom I had been a good girl that year and I'd like Santa to get me a new pair of boots. Sho'nuf - Santa provided a new pair. Santa's a great guy. Bah Humbug to all you parents that wish to squish a little child's excitement on Christmas morning. You're also the ones that tell them there's no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. Don't tell me it's because you want to focus on the "real" meaning of Christmas. That's crap too. The "real" meaning of Christmas is peace and generosity and unto us is born this day a saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Jesus got gifts. Granted they were pretty lame for a newborn. I'm sure Mary would have much prefered a rattle, some onsies, and a case of Pampers. But he got gifts none the less. God gave us the gift of salvation on this day. If we need to go back to St. Nick which is the "Father Christmas" kind of model - lets.

The original Saint Nicholas was a Christian bishop in 4th-century Myra, geographically located in modern-day Turkey. As an adult, Nicholas gained a reputation as a generous man and the protector of innocents. These saintly traits largely arose from two horrific legends, both of which eventually led to his canonization. The first is said to have occurred during a terrible famine. A local butcher, in need of something to sell, lured three unsuspecting boys into his shop. He killed the boys, chopped them into pieces, then stuffed their remains in a brine tub, hoping to cure them enough that he could sell the parts as ham. Nicholas was visiting the afflicted region at the time of the crime. Somehow Nicholas became aware of the butcher’s wicked deed. He visited the shop, uncovered the crime, and hastily reassembled the three boys. They came back to life, a bit salty but otherwise in good health. Despite the happy ending, it’s not exactly the kind of story that gets told at the Christmas Eve candlelight service. In the second legend, a poor citizen of Myra had three daughters, but not enough money to afford a dowry for them. No dowry meant no marriage, and unmarried women in those days generally had one career choice: prostitution. The father was less than thrilled by this possibility, but too proud to ask for help. Nicholas discovered the family’s predicament the night before the first daughter came of age. Not wanting to embarrass anyone, he approached the family’s house late one night and tossed a bag of gold through an opened window. He did the same thing the night before the second daughter came of age. Both gifts were enough to cover the dowry, and both girls were spared the consequence of their poverty. Before long, the third daughter was ready to marry, and the appreciative father wanted to find out who was behind the lavish gifts. When the time came, the father hid next to the window, hoping to catch their anonymous benefactor in the act. Nicholas learned of the father’s plan and improvised: Instead of lobbing it through the window, he dropped the third bag of gold down the chimney. Before long, the bishop — who had worn liturgical robes of red and white — was canonized as a saint. Saint Nicholas became venerated as the protector of innocents, the patron saint of children, and a secret giver of gifts. See the similarities?? Give the kids a break, let them be kids. Let them have Santa. They've got their whole lives to figure out that the world is harsh and unfair. Don't start it by denying them the joy of waking up on Chrismas to get free stuff.

I'll step down off my soap box now.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Never try to out stubborn a cat

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This is what I feel like people say to me when I'm talking. Perhaps I have communications issues. Perhaps they have communications issues. Anyway you look at it, there's a communications issue.
It's the holiday's and I'm REALLY trying to be festive. However, being festive is really TRYING. People tell me to put up a tree, I'll feel better. I look at it like, if I put up this tree, I'm going to have to take it down and put it away in January. Why give myself more work to do? I don't feel like doing anything anyway. AAAHHHH, the sweet surrender to sleep.
Sleeping would be much better if my bed weren't covered in junk. I need to clean my room. If I'm having difficulties cleaning up my room, who's to say this Christmas tree won't be up in April.
People make me mad. They take one thing that you said completely out of context and apply it to everything that you attempt to do in your life. You wonder why I said :
I wish I could be like a little kid. They play, they get mad, they appologize, they fogive and it's done. No such luck with adults. You play, everybody gets mad, they bring all your friends into it, lawyers get involved, nobody appologizes, you're in a house with no furniture, you're broke and pissed.
Even when you appologize, they don't forgive. If they do, they don't remember. It shouldn't be forgive and forget. It should be forgive and remember.
I'm trying the forgive and remember. It's hard.
2008 is gonna be MY YEAR. It's got to be easier than this one.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Delusions are often functional.

Delusions are not only functional but necessary. The holidays are the perfect time of year to talk about delusions. Everybody is hustling and bustling around in the 80 degree heat (yes - Florida Christmas is like no other). They crowd the malls buying gifts that they'll be paying for for the next six months. Everyone wants everybody else to believe they're happy. What am I saying? Everybody wants to believe that they are happy. Everybody's just too busy running around getting ready for the holidays that they have yet to sit down and think about the holidays are are they really happy. The busyness of the season creates this delusion for a time. It may be the delusion that they are truly happy. It may be the delusion that they aren't happy. It may be the delusion of importance or non-importance. None of these things are true - really. They are perceptions. They are labels that we put on ourselves for self definition. They aren't totally true nor are they totally false. People create their own reality and their own truth. Some seek the truth, some are fed it while they accept it blindly, some make it up and think it so.

Are squirrels fighting with lightsabers the truth? Absolutely not. However, they are funny. Funny is what I needed today.

Let's just say, I've come to have a certain amount of disdain for the holiday season. For a multitude of reasons that I don't care to go into at this point. However, people need to realize that that silver Christmas tree or that XBOX 360 or that IPod won't bring long lasting happiness this holiday season. Will it bring happiness? Sure - to some. To others they are happy until they get the bill. What really brings happiness has to come from within each of us. I struggle with this daily. I struggle with being single. I struggle with being far away from my family. I struggle with the rejection of certain people that have been close to me. I struggle with dispair. I look for answers in the one book that can give them to me. This is what I find.

Psalm 42:11
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Yet God is intimiately aware of our suffering. God is aware of every tear we shed. David, "...the Lord heard the voice of my weeping," and the Bible assures us that our tears are precious to God. It says, "...put my tears into Your bottle: are they not in Your book?" (Psalm 56:8).

I'm going to get through this fabulous happy season. Tears and all. If I have to delude myself into believing that 2008 will be my year to get through this, so be it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

There is no safety this side of the grave. - Heinlein

It's true there is no safety this side of the grave. My pastor will even tell you that being in the service of the Lord is one of the most dangerous places that you can put yourself. I can see that.

I've come to realize that I've come down off my "I'm invincible" high that I had when I came out of the hospital. I'm now in the "why does this frying pan keep hitting me in the face" stage of my life. I'm trying to keep the faith. I'm trying to stay positive. I don't seem to be doing such a good job of it.

Work is less than desireable. My boss and I have fundamental differences of opinion on things. I feel like I'll tell him something and he doesn't listen. He comes back and tells me he's uninformed. Unfortunately, I told him about it the day prior. He just doesn't "remember."

My small group is becoming smaller rather than larger. I feel like I'm not doing a good job being a small group leader. I don't know what to do better or different. Instead of a point of brightness in my week, it is one of dissappointment in myself.

My sugarglider got out and was on an unauthorized tour of the house when I was out. Baby ate him.

It's the holiday's and I'm alone - still. I know that I got dumped last New Year's Eve. I just figured things would be different by now.

My family is far away up in Virginia and they're sick. I can't get away from work to go up. I can't even make it to my closest relative which is in South Carolina.

My birth family has, evidently, thought me to be to much to deal with. I suppose that I can understand this. I just wanted to know them. Apparantly, they have no desire to know me.

My health continues to haunt me. My chest aches to the point of being really uncomfortable about every other day. I take a Vicodin and go on.

I'll have to say that 2007 has been the worst year of my life so far. I declare that 2008 will be the year of Jeannie. It's going to be my year. Good things are going to happen for me then. I've just got to wait until it starts.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. - Heinlein

My life has gone from complex to absolutely crazy. I'm really not enjoying it very much right now. Tis the season to be jolly, right? I don't feel very jolly. I don't feel like really being around people. I've been told by my sister and her husband - without any further contact from me - to leave them alone and not contact them. I hadn't contacted them. I wasn't going to contact them. I was going to leave the ball in their court. Now, I'm of the opinion that if they hit the ball back - ever - I'm keeping it. I'm not going to continue to leave myself open for people to hurt. I'm going to compartmenatlize these feelings and deal with them later. Waiting will fill. I'm done. I don't know why I took the chance to fly to Seattle and meet these people. Probably some deep seeded curiosity on my part. It's no longer there and I have no desire to see these people again. Have your west coast life. I'll have my east coast life. Whatever.