Friday, December 14, 2007

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

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I have eaten enough nutritionally devoid food today to last for the rest of the year and it's only 1:00. Actually, I ate all this by about 11:00 but only now am I able to do anything. I feel really bad. Today, was my department's annual holiday pig out and there are five of us. We have enough food to feed the enitre Spartan Army. It covers an entire conference table. It's all right in front of me. Gluttony is a bad thing. Is there such thing as food overdose? If so, I have it. I can't emphasize enough how bad I feel. BLEGH!

I know I ate because: 1) it was there 2) it was good and 3) I'm depressed. How much do I suck? Evidently a bunch. Enough to find my solice in food. Although it was temporary, it was fun at the time. How many times have all of us said that? It was fun at the time.

I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't seem like Christmas. It's 80 degrees outside. People are wearing shorts. Everything is green. It should be about 20 degrees with snow on the ground and you shouldn't want to go outside without bundling up to look like a starfish. I get all bent when I see inflatable snow men in people's yards. Even more so with icicle lights, penguins and snowmen made out of lights. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE! No self respecting penguin would be caught dead in this weather. Santa Claus would have to strip down to his skivvies to avoid heat stroke.

Don't get me started on these people that want to tell kids there's no Santa. I want to choke the crap out of these parents that say that they don't want to lie to their kids. Well, guess what you're lying anyway. You're just to cheap to buy the extra gifts. My Mom always said that as long as I believe in Santa, Santa will keep giving me gifts. OK, I believed in Santa until I was 32. That was when Mom died. I knew there wasn't a Santa long before that but I could scrounge an extra gift or two every year by telling Mom I had been a good girl that year and I'd like Santa to get me a new pair of boots. Sho'nuf - Santa provided a new pair. Santa's a great guy. Bah Humbug to all you parents that wish to squish a little child's excitement on Christmas morning. You're also the ones that tell them there's no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. Don't tell me it's because you want to focus on the "real" meaning of Christmas. That's crap too. The "real" meaning of Christmas is peace and generosity and unto us is born this day a saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Jesus got gifts. Granted they were pretty lame for a newborn. I'm sure Mary would have much prefered a rattle, some onsies, and a case of Pampers. But he got gifts none the less. God gave us the gift of salvation on this day. If we need to go back to St. Nick which is the "Father Christmas" kind of model - lets.

The original Saint Nicholas was a Christian bishop in 4th-century Myra, geographically located in modern-day Turkey. As an adult, Nicholas gained a reputation as a generous man and the protector of innocents. These saintly traits largely arose from two horrific legends, both of which eventually led to his canonization. The first is said to have occurred during a terrible famine. A local butcher, in need of something to sell, lured three unsuspecting boys into his shop. He killed the boys, chopped them into pieces, then stuffed their remains in a brine tub, hoping to cure them enough that he could sell the parts as ham. Nicholas was visiting the afflicted region at the time of the crime. Somehow Nicholas became aware of the butcher’s wicked deed. He visited the shop, uncovered the crime, and hastily reassembled the three boys. They came back to life, a bit salty but otherwise in good health. Despite the happy ending, it’s not exactly the kind of story that gets told at the Christmas Eve candlelight service. In the second legend, a poor citizen of Myra had three daughters, but not enough money to afford a dowry for them. No dowry meant no marriage, and unmarried women in those days generally had one career choice: prostitution. The father was less than thrilled by this possibility, but too proud to ask for help. Nicholas discovered the family’s predicament the night before the first daughter came of age. Not wanting to embarrass anyone, he approached the family’s house late one night and tossed a bag of gold through an opened window. He did the same thing the night before the second daughter came of age. Both gifts were enough to cover the dowry, and both girls were spared the consequence of their poverty. Before long, the third daughter was ready to marry, and the appreciative father wanted to find out who was behind the lavish gifts. When the time came, the father hid next to the window, hoping to catch their anonymous benefactor in the act. Nicholas learned of the father’s plan and improvised: Instead of lobbing it through the window, he dropped the third bag of gold down the chimney. Before long, the bishop — who had worn liturgical robes of red and white — was canonized as a saint. Saint Nicholas became venerated as the protector of innocents, the patron saint of children, and a secret giver of gifts. See the similarities?? Give the kids a break, let them be kids. Let them have Santa. They've got their whole lives to figure out that the world is harsh and unfair. Don't start it by denying them the joy of waking up on Chrismas to get free stuff.

I'll step down off my soap box now.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

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